Very Superstitious

When I did High School theatre I would put on the song “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder before every single show. The tradition started when an older friend of mine played the song a few years ago and I liked it so much I would play it a minimum of 10 times per day (not an exaggeration) during rehearsals. I’m a sucker for traditions, so I made it a tradition of mine to play it before every show. I was convinced that by playing it there would be some good juju out in the audience for the show we were about to put on.

Notice how I didn’t say it was a superstition. Yeah, there’s a reason for that..

I thought that superstitions were just purely things like, not walking under a ladder, not opening an umbrella indoors, and hating the number 13. I used to think that I didn’t fall into superstitions, that they weren’t something that I cared about, I just was very particular about the things I did. I would do the same ritual everyday before bed, I would make sure I would fit in the number 7 somewhere whenever I had to get a certain number of things. For luck of course.

For a while I just thought it was pretty normal, then when I learned more about superstitions I thought of them as superstitions. And to be fair a good amount of them were. I’m a huge avoider of the number 13 (sorry Taylor Swift), the apartment building I used to live in didn’t even have a thirteenth floor. I believe the number brings bad luck so I try and avoid it as much as I can, I even had a crippling fear I would die at 13 because of how unlucky the number is.

It was only when these things, these rituals, and these thoughts started really bothering me deep down that I realized they were more than just silly superstitions. I have a strong belief that my brain can will things into being — magical thinking, and these past few years I’ve learned this is actually a part of OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Things started to make sense.

I still have superstitions, the number 13 is still a big enemy of mine but the “superstitions” I thought I had were just compulsions. Compulsions come in so many forms and if you think just because you’re only thinking them that they aren’t actual compulsions then sorry to break it to you but unfortunately they still count. I would ruminate over things and firmly believe that by thinking certain things I would will them to be true. I thought that if I did certain things then there would be drastic consequences, mortal consequences.

I keep a bracelet my girlfriend made me, unfinished, because I fear if she finishes it that’s the end of our relationship. I know that something as strong as our relationship couldn’t be broken by the finishing of a gift, gifts are gifts, string is string, love is love. They don’t have anything to do with each other.

At 11:11 everyday I make sure I think positive thoughts for a fear that the bad things I think will happen. Angel numbers are cool, I make a wish, but just because I think it doesn’t mean its true. Doesn’t mean it will happen.

Everyday I check my messages and read them right before going to bed, or else I can’t lay still and fall asleep. My messages remind me of who loves me, but they love me regardless of messages, it’s a nice reminder but I can sleep knowing I’m loved no matter what.

I used to have to get up and say goodnight to my mom and my dad in that order and turn on my night light and only then I would be able to sleep. I wanted to make sure everyone was safe, good intentions but it was just okay to sleep. Rest my mind.

I used to struggle so much more, I used to have so many other “superstitions” that I lost count, I cannot even recall them now. I’m not sure I really want to.

I’m able to lean into the more silly superstitions because my life isn’t driven by compulsions anymore. I don’t feel like I have zero control, but I know that the grip on the reins have only loosened.

Superstitions come from a belief in the magical. I see myself as a person who believes very much in the magic of things, ordinary things and fun coincidences in life. I love when things play out as if in a movie, when things are so perfect that it feels as if they are written by a showrunner who just penned their best season yet. However that belief was bastardized by my Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. What I found to be a whimsical became my nightmares, the idea that things could play out as a movie meant that I focused more on dramatic irony and tragic endings, for the drama of it all, and for the belief that nothing could just be perfect. My compulsions came from a lack of control and a need for control.

I like to speculate on why we as people believe in superstitions and to an extent have a need for compulsions. I believe that they have some similarities, but I think the basis is that need for control, for superstitions it’s this need to have some control over the outcome of events or of your own life, the need to believe in something magical that will help. Compulsions are this need for control over yourself. And by having that ritual, things will turn out okay no matter what, every single day you will have control. I think of them as bastardized superstitions. They latch onto your brain, and it’s hard getting out of it.

I try not to feed the panic and anixety as often anymore but I still avoid the number 13, I still do my silly little tradition. Time has given me the gift of being able to see the difference between my superstitions and my compulsions. And I realize wanting to have some control and some belief in things bigger than yourself are okay, they just cannot take the reins.

So I play Stevie Wonder before shows. Has it always guarenteed a good show? No. Has it always given me luck? No. But I do it because I believe in it, it’s my personal stamp, its a little whimsy. It doesn’t control me, but it reminds me of good times.

Belief should be just that, comfort. I spend so much time in mental discomfort, I need my little moments of control and magic, my comforts, knowing what I really have control over is making sure I take care of myself. I take the reins, I am in control of myself. It’s not perfect everyday, but I believe and I think that’s enough.